I’m totally jealous of Judge Judy and not for the obvious reasons like that doily she wears around her neck or how good she looks in black. I’m jealous because she gets to tell people they how stupid they are and they can’t retaliate. Plus, she gets paid mad money to do it. I’ve read everywhere from $25 million to $46 million dollars. I can’t imagine what that must do to one’s ego. Luckily, I’ll never have to find out for myself. Maybe. Probably.
Think how awesome it must be to get to tell people they’re dumb and they can’t swing a hard left at you? Like the other day, when I went to the bank to make a deposit, the teller asked me if I wanted my envelope back. Neatly printed on front and back in purple ink, I’ve written “Please return” and he wants to know if I want it back.
What Judge Judy Would Say: Sir, try using your head! Would this lovely woman have bothered to print ‘Please return’ on her envelope if she didn’t want it back! Do you think she grows envelopes in her back yard? Do you think she has spare envelopes laying around her house? NO! Of course she wants it back you idiot!
What I Actually Said: Yes, please.
Or earlier today when I was counting out my bills to pay for my purchases in Target and the woman who was next in line stood so close she was almost on my foot.
What Judge Judy Would Say: Madam, are you going to pay for these groceries too? Then kindly step back and quit staring into my wallet. You’re making me nervous. What is that you’re buying? Is that an eggplant colored rain coat? Seriously, madam, try treating yourself with a bit more dignity than eggplant. People are going to see you wearing that thing.
What I Actually Said:
(Yes, that last one is supposed to be blank. I don’t want you to miss the joke. All caught up now? Good.)
I know that you’ve had at least one moment in your life when you wanted to go at someone with J.J.’s abandon. What was it?
I have been known to flip at stupidity. It’s like my evil twin takes over. I do not go gently although I should. My husband hates it when I carry on. I’m usually polite about it, but I will make my point. “Bitch!” I know what they are thinking. “Imbecile!” and they know what I’m thinking.
I have an evil twin too! Too bad she didn’t show up for either of these conversations!
Nora, thanks for making me belly laugh with this post! And I say belly laugh cause my belly was shaking as I was laughing! hee hee! Yep, I’ve had many of those moments, I’m afraid. The most recent one was two days ago whilst I was at the bus stop. A guy gets to the stop, looks at me and asks, “Are you waiting for the bus?” No you dumb schmuck, I’m standing here waiting for money to drop from the sky. I tell you.
You returned the favor because your comment made me belly laugh!
I always love it when I ask someone something and they ask, “Truthfully?” No. Freakin’ lie to me! (I’ve actually said that, too) Funny post, and the incidences of when I want to mouth off to stupid people are endless.
Ha! I’m writing this down so I can use it!
My favorite..a one-on-one police to suspect encounter. No one else is around. Me: “where do you live?” Suspect: “Who? Me?”
I’m sure you can imagine what I said…
See you kinda get to be Judge Judy. A little anyway because a cop doesn’t get the leeway a judge does but in that case I’m sure you got to enjoy a little taste of Judge Judy.
My favorite line from Judge Judy: “What are you, a moron?”
I’ll refer you to my blog where you can read my “Did I Just Say That Out Loud” series. My favorite germane to your blog: “If I don’t hear the words from you I want, I’ll ram my hand up your a** and work your mouth like a puppet.”
Try that one. Oh, and look viciously menacing while you say it.
Yes! I want to yell at the stupid people!
Anna
(And, if I’m honest, I want to wear a doily.)
I LOVE Judge Judy. I truly am amazed at the idiots that she has to deal with! Would I like to be her? I’d love it for a day, just to feel the power she has, to say whatever she likes and stop them from replying!
Might I suggest you start carrying a doily in your purse for just those occasions. Like Clark Kent during an emergency, you could just run to the nearest phone booth whenever there’s a serious case of stupidity, slip on your doily disguise, and take the moron down without anyone ever knowing who you are.
Um, or not. Whatever.
I *heart* Judge Judy too. And I would love to be “allowed” to tell people off and get paid for it! I think one of the funniest things she ever said was:
“Do you know when a teenager is lying? When their lips are moving.”
I love the way Judge Judy tries to help an imbecile who just isn’t getting it understand her point. She explains an obvious parallel story, asks them if they would do THAT, finally after much aggravation and eyeroll from her and the audience and Byrd elicits the “No” from the moron, and says to the moron, “Right. You wouldn’t do that because that would be STUPID.” (No one says the word STUPID quite as eloquently and with just the right emphasis the way she does).